Not ours to know the reason why
Unanswered is our prayer,
But ours to wait for God’s own time—
To lift the cross we bear. —Anon.
Psalm 13: In His time May 30, 2007
Not ours to know the reason why
You will be dearly missed, Gabs (2 Sam 1:19-27) May 28, 2007
(19) The glory, O Israel, is dead on your high places! How have the great ones been made low! (20) Give no news of it in Gath, let it not be said in the streets of Ashkelon; or the daughters of the Philistines will be glad, the daughters of men without circumcision will be uplifted in joy. (21) O mountains of Gilboa, let there be no dew or rain on you, you fields of death: for there the arms of the strong have been shamed, the arms of Saul, as if he had not been marked with the holy oil. (22) From the blood of the dead, from the fat of the strong, the bow of Gabriel was not turned back, the sword of Gabriel did not come back unused. (23) Gabriel was loved and pleasing; in his life and in his death he was not parted; he went more quickly than eagles, he was stronger than lions. (24) O daughters of Israel, have sorrow for Gabriel, by whom you were delicately clothed in robes of red, with ornaments of gold on your dresses. (25) How have the great ones been made low in the fight! Gabriel is dead on your high places.
(26) I am full of grief for you, my brother Gabriel: very dear have you been to me: your love for me was a wonder, greater than the love of women. (27) How have the great ones been made low, and the arms of war broken!
Will you still love me tomorrow? May 25, 2007
I was out again last night, speaking most of my time after work at the hospital. He’s still in almost a vegetative state, hardly moving because of the probable pain (I only can imagine). According to his mum, he was responding occasionally in the afternoon by nodding slightly and making small audible sounds. Even though he’s physically weak, he’s still a strong tiger on the inside I reckon. I mean, even the doctors warned the family 2 days ago that he was given a few hours to a few days, and he’s still here, amazingly.
Was talking to one of his friends (Eu Lee) during dinner and well, I found out more about Gabs. It’s amazing what you don’t know about your friends sometimes 🙂 Well… I’m still praying for him, at least to curb his pain and be as comfortable as possible. Please continue lifting him up in prayer.
Hmm…was thinking about Monday, when something happened in the hospital that stunned me,and probably some of his friends. For some reason, this song came to mind…
Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment’s pleasure?
Can I believe the magic in your sighs?
Will you still love me tomarrow?
Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I’m the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?
I’d like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, and I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
. May 24, 2007
Yesterday was my 2nd time meeting him. how can anyone so skinny lose even more weight? the cancer’s spreading again and it’s infecting some other parts of his body. when the doc commented that all we could do, other than the option of sedating him, and the only other thing to do was to make him feel less pain. seeing him half conscious most of my 6 hours there with him made me feel dejected. I can’t imagine how the family members could have coped till now.
I guess all we can do is to pray for him still.
Day 1 May 22, 2007
I took a cab to the Singapore General Hospital (down at Outram). I finally got hold of Gabs, well… through Betsy, his girlfriend. She gave me the details and I knew I wanted to go see him.
Prior to that, I got an sms from my cousin saying that Gabs’ condition is pretty critical. This was six in the morning. After I received that message, I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was pray for him.
When I stepped into the hospital and went to the correct level, I searched for the wards. Damn those wards, they’re so confusing! Finally when I reached Gabs’ ward, I walked in, but I couldn’t locate Gabs, nor Betsy. So I walked out and checked the ward tag. I paced up and down the corridoor, and sneaked a few peaks into other wards, hoping to see Gabs, but to no avail. Finally I relented and went to ask the nurse, “Is gabriel staying in one of the wards?”
The nurse smiled and returned sweet sounding reply, a vast contrast to well the deathly sounds of hospitals, “he’s at bed 5” and ushered me to the ward.
There he was……….
I couldn’t even recognise Gabs. I even had to get a reconfirmation that it was Gabs because I turned to his friends, who gave me the “yes, that’s Gabs” look. I walked gingerly towards Gabs and he stretched out his beyond-skinny left arm to greet me. I grabbed his hand and greeted him, and at that split second I almost cried.
He looked so weak, so pale. His cheeks were all sunkened in and I could see every bone sticking out of his body. He looked almost in his mid-forties, a far cry from what he’s supposed to be. He was so skinnier than any anorexic friend of mine. When he spoke to me, it was hardly audible because he was pretty weak but after having a short conversation with him, I moved away to let someone else sit and talk to him.
I was then looking at his photos, a compilation that his girlfriend made and there and then, I started crying. I didn’t know what came over me, but I guess I was overwhelmed by shock mainly, that my good friend is a third of his size and that he’s hardly recognisable. In a short span of 5 months, he lost that much weight.
The only thing that he’s still steadfast is that he’s smiling and still clinging on to God. And for that I’m more moved by it.
Please continue to pray for my friend. He’s hallucinating from time to time and he’s very very weak. Pray for his family and gf as well, that they’re able to cope well as the demands to take care of him increases.
Please pray for my friend. May 21, 2007
I know I’ve blogged about this before but guess Gabs’ condition is deteriorating. Today I received an SMS from my cousin (in Melbourne) asking me about Gabs and telling me that he’s on the brink of well, meeting the Lord… Well, here’s a message to you guys out there reading this (I sms-ed a couple of my peeps as well):
Hey guys pls take a few min to help pray for my ex cell group leader, Gabriel. He’s suffering from a rare small intesting cancer and apparantly he’s ready to be with the Lord. I’m really not sure wat or how to pray for him but do keep him in prayer. Please help me pass the msg around too. Thanks. Renee
Hmmm and David Tow messaged back and said “Will do pray for iner peace and readiness to meet his maker. Pray for God’s grace and mercy to take him home so that the suffering will end. pray for comfort for family members and loved ones”.
So yeah…please help me pray for my friend. I did implore you guys to pray for him last time. Please do continue to keep him and his family in prayer.
The Tiger’s Child May 20, 2007
I’ve been reading a couple of books lately and I’m tryin to read all of Torey Hayden’s books. I love how she deals with children (mostly disturbed) and well, her struggles that are tagged along with her rewarding passion. I also love how human she is, I mean she tries in her utmost best to be very objective but sometiems she finds herself unknowingly torn between the emotional, irrational side of her and well, how she normally is. This book is a continuation of this particular girl whom Hayden came across when she was in her early years of teaching. Anyway in one of the first parts of this book, she was explaining to Sheila about fighting in a relationship. I thought she summed it up nicely…
“We did fight,” I said softly. “Everybody fights, whatever the relationship, however good it might be. It wouldn’t be a relationship otherwise, because two separate people are coming together. Friction is a natural part of that.”
On top of this, I love what how Hayden remembers and describes vividly her encounters. Her descriptions are just so…nicely put (I wish I’d read this when I was much younger, so I could use some of these phrases in my essays). And sometimes I see Sheila in myself too. I mean, she is incredibly strong, attention-seeking, and angsty I might add. But a softer side of her occasionally creeps up, exuding and and even exposing her human vulnerabilities:
“Stop!” Sheila cried. Not only was it the first word she had spoken in the better part of an hour and a hald, which made it startling enough, but she said it with such suddenness that I fully expected to hit something with the car. I slammed on the brakes sufficiently hard to throw us both sharply forward. This made her smile briefly in my direction, before pointing to the east. ” Look at that”
For a short shining moment, colour was soverign. The wet asphalt of the road gleamed black against the sudden gold of the sunlit wheat. Beyond the ruffling grain rose the dark remains of the storm clouds, pierced through by a rainbow. Only a very short part of the rainbow was visible; there was not even enough to form a clear arc, but that small section shimmered brilliantly above the restless wheat.
“Oh God,” Sheila murmured softly, as she regarded the sight, “why do beautiful things make me feel so sad?”
I reached up and wiped the tears away. ” I feel so helpless when something like this happens. I want to change things so badly and I just can’t”.
Her forehead wrinkling, she gazed in amazement. unlike me, she had remained dry-eyed.
“Sometimes it helps,” I said of my tears and wiped the last of them away. “In these circumstances, it’s about all there’s left for me to do”
And Sheila’s realisation proved that Hayden’s efforts with her were, at last, worth it. Hayden’s patience with Sheila in encouraging her to accept the past and look beyond her circumstances paid off. And for a teen to speak with so much wisdom is astounding and herein lies a simple moral of the story:
“Well, I think I’ve come to the first point. I was just sitting here, thinking through, and you know, I don’t feel like it was my fault anymore. It still hurts like hell. I still wish it didn’t happen, but it did, and I can see now that maybe my mom just had her own problems, that is was just my bad luck to have been part of them.”
She pondered a moment. “And maybe that’s true for my dad too. Whatever. Anyway I’m thinking, like I can’t go over it, I can’t go under it, I can’t go around it. I’ve been trying all of them. So I better go through it.”
A small silence.
“I think I’m seeing things differently now,” she said. “I think I can accept it.”
“You know………..What i’ve been thinking most about is what you said about letting go. Accepting, forgiving and then letting go. I think I can accept. I think I can even forgive, but I’ve been wondering and wondering about letting go. Trying to figure out what “letting go” entails, and all I cant think of is that it means living your life forward. Starting to think of the future more than the past.”
A small pensive silence. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever lived my life forward before,” she said. “Even when I wasn’t remembering things, I was always wanting to go back.”
So yeah… go read the book if you can! I have the book, so if anything, just give me a ring and I’ll pass you the two books. Time to have a good sleep…or rest. It’s really a sunday today but thank God anyway 🙂